January 11th, 2009

He kinda looks like Se7en in this shot..

(no subject)

Ok so.. First off.. I'm terrible at posting in this thing, but mainly because.. I don't know.. I guess I just don't feel the overwhelming need to continuously post my live on livejournal, though it doesn't matter since only patra really reads it and since we talk about just about everything anyway, she finds out with out even needing to sign on to livejournal..

Obviously this is a completely different story..


I haven't been sleeping well.. I've probably gotten one really good night of amazingly good rest but under a very stressful situation, so I'm not entire sure if that should really count or not.. Anyway.. moving on.. I've also I've noticed that my attention at work has been lacking big time and since I'm constantly dealing with money all the time, I can't let that happen. I discovered today when I went into work that last night I hadn't counted correctly and that all our numbers were jacked up and so I spent the first hour of my shift fixing it since I was the one who messed it up in the first place.. But the thing that bothered me most was the fact that I'd never made such a stupid mistake before..

So obviously there's something bothering me big time if I'm being a forgetful little moron.. I know it isn't Disney because I know that everything will be just fine there, and even though I am concerned with the state of things at home, I'm not too sure it's that either. I recently applied to the University of Pittsburgh.. and ever since I received confirmation that all my information was in fact received, I've been stressing like there's no tomorrow..

To be perfectly honest, I have no back up plan should I not get accepted.. I can't stay where I am and there is just no room for continued failure or rejection in my life. Truth be told I'm scared to death that I'm making myself sick.. This goes so far beyond nerves that it's not even funny.. I can't really put what I'm feeling into words enough to properly express myself to someone and in the end they keep telling me that I'm just being silly. But am I?

Sometimes I'm just so reassured, so sure that I'll get accepted because let's face it, who wouldn't want me to grace the halls of their school, but at the same time, in their eyes I'm really no one important, just another number to either add to the roster or toss out all together. I don't want to be so much of an egoist that I'm absolutely positive that I'll get in, but at the same time, I don't want to depress myself and put myself down by telling myself that I'll be lucky if they even send the infamous letter of rejection.

*dramatic groan*

Some days it's just damn hard to smile and pretend that there's nothing eating away me. Keeping up with the strong girl act I have yet to cry, but I know the fear and anxiety and serious lack of sleep and energy are breaking me down.. As tired as I am, I'm more terrified than anything. I think I'm more afraid of a hopeless future than anything..