January 16th, 2009

He kinda looks like Se7en in this shot..

A Life I'm Proud Of

One thing I know about myself is that I am lazy to a point where it is just down right pathetic..
And tonight.. I guess this week has been a week of realizations for me.. anyway.. tonight I noticed that it's been that very laziness I hold so dear to my heart that holds me back from doing the things that I want and/or need to do.
Take my hangul alphabet for example..
I don't need to do it, but I certainly wanted to.

It was a pretty simple task that I set for myself.. Make an entire hangul chart in nice big bubbly letters so that I would have reference to glance at every now and then for those stupid moments where I just can't remember what the hell I'm looking at.
It's really not that difficult and it was something I really really wanted to do.
Because.. well let's face it.. I don't want to just speak Korean, but I want to be able to read and write it too.
Now teaching yourself another language is hard, everyone knows that this is a difficult task and you have to have self discipline and determination to be able to do such a difficult undertaking. Due to my constant laziness, I thought it would be impossible, but because I want it, I do want to try.
A few minutes into making the chart my hand starts to hurt a little bit. A minor annoyance that I could easily work through..
I decide to just go ahead and stop. Not because my hand is about to fall off, but just because my hand is bothering me a little bit. I don't want to disrupt my personal comfort for something that I might not succeed at, right?
Of course not!

But then I look at all the work I had put in so far.. I wasn't even half way done and some of the characters were questionable by my standards and I thought to myself:
Is it ok for me to finish like this?
With a sigh of frustrations (because my characters really looked good and bad all at the same time) I decided to keep going. Maybe by the end of work I would be able to get at least half of it done once I redid everything I had done already.
By this point my hand and wrist really did start to just flat out hurt, but I just couldn't leave it at that. I had to keep making my chart to my satisfaction and not cave to the laziness.
By the end of my shift at work I finished it.. and for a rare instant, I was really proud of myself for deciding not to stop, and to really put forth the extra effort to not only keep going, but to make it look nice and actually readable. For once, I didn't just put something off because of the same tired old excuses of 'I can always do it later' or 'I'm not going to succeed anyway, so why bother' and all the other nonsense I had fed to myself in the past.
And I realized..
Would I have gone to KMF last year if I hadn't met the girl who really pushed for us to go?
What things in life had I missed out on because I decided that I was just too tired and wanted to catch up on sleep?
When did out right laziness start dictating who I was?


I want to take steps forward in life. I want to live a little bit more.. Learn.. Explore.. Discover..
Sometimes.. It's harder or more painful not being the lazy bum in bed, but then again.. In the long run, those aches and pains are totally worth it and then some. There's no telling who you'll meet or what you'll do next.
I've probably missed numerous opportunities because I just didn't feel like doing it. Because I was lazy and made up those stupid excuses, which is odd, because that's not the person that I was raised to be.
I want to take more chances and live a little bit.
I'll suffer my fair share, that's for certain, but in the end I'll have a completed product:
A life I'm proud of.

(Yeah it's crappy.. But it's a start.)